I had no idea I had post natal depression, I’d just had a gorgeous baby and moved into our first proper home. I was over the moon, totally in love with my baby and feeling the bond between us growing stronger with each day…..wasn’t I? Er, nope. What was wrong with me?
Little Sebby arrived a week late and after a pretty difficult but relatively quick labour, he quite literally shot out. It was all a bit of a shocker! Every baby book I had read and all that I had tried to remember from the antenatal classes went floating quietly out of the open windows of the delivery room, along with Sebbys screaming. I naively left for home the next day.
I desperately wanted to breast feed but failed miserably and after the 5th day of blistered bleeding nipples, mild hysteria and a starving baby we left the maternity ward armed with some SMA formula and gave my breast pump (instrument of torture) away. James brought me a Tommy Tippee Perfect Prep machine and I instantly fell in love with it!
Sebby hated sleeping, especially on his own so co-sleeping was the best option but left us all knackered. He also suffered from reflux poor little bear, it’s amazing how far that sick can fly! I was exhausted. Plodding about 4 stone heavier with cabbage leaves stuffed down my bra (to prevent mastitis apparently) recovering from an almost 3rd degree tear and wondering what the heck had just happened!
It was week 5 when I had my almighty melt down. I calmly got into my car with Sebby safe in the back and headed for my mums in Okehampton, Devon. I was appalled when my sister suggested that perhaps I was suffering with PND, surely it was just sleep deprivation making me so emotional? I remember looking at Sebby and feeling nothing except panic and guilt. I wanted to get in my car and drive away from it all, in truth I did try this and my car keys were swiftly taken away from me, whoops! I sat and wailed uncontrollably day after day while my wonderful family took care of MY baby. Believing and affirming that I was indeed, the worst mum in the world. Feelings of self harm were creeping in and I couldn’t be bothered to eat or wash and when was the last time I had been outside?!
I was encouraged to ring the doctors in Okehampton and that was such a hard thing to do. Surely they would just tell me to get a grip and try and get some sleep, I would just be wasting their time. Nope. I was seen the same day and was diagnosed with severe Post Natal Depression. Bugger.
Christmas was a blur, my 30th birthday was a blur, although I think we made it to the garden centre for a coffee ha, ha! My tablets have been changed 3 times and it has taken 7 months to find the right dose. But I’m sitting here now in my lounge along side my truly amazing fiancé, telling you my story…..I would not have been able to do that a couple of weeks ago. Tomorrow I am attending my first counselling session with someone who has been through PND and has come out of it successfully. Exciting.
My beautiful friend told me “You won’t feel like this forever” and I’m starting to believe her now 🙂
Untangled 
