Craftin’ is good for my soul

It’s been quite a while since my last post and I have to say I’ve missed it. So let’s get the weather talk over with…..ITS VERY VERY WARM isn’t it? I’m not very good with the heat but I am trying to make the most of it. Sebby just loves being outdoors which is great because it’s been hotter in our flat then it has been outside. Last week myself and my two good friends went wild swimming in the river down at Respryn. It’s a beautifully secluded spot with a little stoney beach and a not too strong current, a perfect introduction for the little ones. But it was bloody cold. So cold that even after I got out I was still numb but it was also a very liberating and of course refreshing experience. We took it in turns to hold the babies while the other two swam. I loved sitting with the two little munchkins. We watched the dragonflies glide by and listened to the calming sounds of the river. It was lovely and for the first time in long time I felt whole again.

I’ve been getting back into my craftin’ and I am a bit ‘hooked’ (sorry) on crochet. It’s taken me a bit of time to get the knack of holding the yarn comfortably but after some YouTube tutorials I managed to create a granny square. Exciting. Then it was onto flowers and now it’s stars. Somehow I managed to end up with 7 points on my stars but it seems to work and I’ve decided to turn them into a shawl…..a big hairy, multicoloured, starry shawl hee hee!
Me and a friend have finally subscribed to the wonderful Molly Makes magazine. It’s so inspiring and the projects seem so achievable……that being said I am yet to finish any but that’s because a crawling Sebby and craftin’ don’t mix!

So, there you go, I’m attempting to reintroduce some ‘me’ time and get back to doing a few things that I love. I will try to remember to post photos of my crafty conquests on here but it’s just so much easier to use Twitter and Instagram so keep and eye out 🙂

As Sebby is currently upstairs asleep with his Nanny I’m going to read the copy of Simply Crochet that I brought for my friend, she’ll never know…………..except if she reads this 😉

Happy craftin’ everyone xx

A ‘wobbly’ day!

Hello! It’s been a good couple of days since my last post and Saturday was a bad day! I’ve found that the most difficult aspect of post natal depression is that you can have a run of really good days and then it just sneaks up on you and you feel like you’re back down in that big pit again. Bleugh, which is what happened on Saturday morning.
Thursday morning I was very brave and went to meet my friend at the local mother and baby/toddler coffee morning- first time ever. Sebby absolutely loved it, shouting and laughing at all the other children and getting over excited and squealing at the sea of new toys! We left a little early, feeling very chuffed with myself, and met my best friend who had come to stay with us. We had a lovely afternoon at Cardinham woods and munched our way through a delicious homemade picnic (trying to save a bit of money!) followed by a relaxing walk. The evening was ok, except my other half made us watch the football, with the promise that we’d have the flat for a girly film the next evening! Friday we went to Eden Project covered from head to toe in factor 50, sunhat and UV sunshade. Boom, that’s proper sun safety for you! And then ended the day with a ridiculously stomach churning, vomit inducing girly flick.

I woke up on Saturday morning feeling like an elephant had sat on my chest all night, usually the tell tale sign that I’m going to be a bit ‘wobbly’. My head felt as though it was full of cotton wool and I was exhausted. Quite simply, I felt like s**t. Having to explain to people how I’m feeling on a bad day is something I find very difficult. I feel very embarrassed and guilty. My partner is very used to it now and knows that I’ll feel better when I’ve had my medication and with a lot of emotional support will feel much better by the end of the day. My friend who was staying was wonderful about it and I got a big hug (I cannot tell you how much good can come from a proper hug) I didn’t need to explain anything to them and I had a good cry afterwards.
I struggled to remember things throughout the day, my friend kept hold of all the keys as I most definitely would have lost them. I perked up a bit after we had been around the Vintage Craft Fair at Wadebridge, devoured a cheeky cream tea at the Glass House and had a wander along the Camel Trail.

Fast forward a couple of hours and I was sitting in my little car (Clive) in Asda car park with Sebby fast asleep in the back, struggling to catch my breath and quietly but violently sobbing. At the time I thought it was just because my friend had gone home and I would miss her terribly (and I do) but looking back I realise it was actually because I don’t know how long my recovery will take. I know it’s going to take a long time and I’m fully prepared to put in the effort needed to get there but it’s the good (slightly manic) days that lull me into a false sense of security. It’s when I start to toy with the idea that I don’t really need the medication and I don’t need to go to the counsellor or continue my fortnightly appointments with my HV that the alarm bells in my friends and family’s heads start to ring and they all rally round trying to pull me back in. Haha makes me sound like a right loony right?!…………………… A very lucky loony!

But, it is what it is and I just remind myself that I WILL be better soon and it’s going to take some time and I shouldn’t feel guilty. But it’s really bloody hard work 🙂

A spot of lunch

My one and only vice is food. I love good food….and lots of it and it was because of this that I gained 4 stone during my pregnancy. I lost 1 straight away when sebby popped out and since then I have managed to lose just over another stone doing a combination of regular exercise and Slimming World . Wednesday is my weigh in day and I was very happy with a 2 lb loss today. I am also very proud to say I can finally wear my engagement ring after 17 months! It feels fab.
As my weekly treat I go to the Woods Cafe for a spot of lunch with my mother in law, my son and one of our dogs. Today it was our Kye, our collie’s, turn to have a day out and he had a whale of a time! We love the Woods Cafe and being so close by we often go more than once a week (but not always for cake!). The food is totally lush, all the staff are wonderful and the cafe is beautiful (little cottage in the woods). Today we shared a savoury cream tea complete with Tregothnan tea and a mug of soup each. Sebby was happy to roll about on his rug giggling at Kye whilst he played with one of the many toys the cafe keeps to amuse little ones. After we’d stuffed our faces (and loosened our drawstrings!) we decided to March off the delicious calories we had just consumed. So off we went for our favourite trail walk around Cardinham Woods the Lady Vale walk, which is about 2 miles long. We got a jolly good burst of cardio and Kye-boy got his romp in the river…everyone was a winner today!
In hind site perhaps it was a little cheeky to bob back to the cafe and indulge our sweet teeth with a couple of slices of homemade cake (the brownies there are so magical I swear they put fairy dust in them!) but we were sooooo tired from our energetic walk……ah sod it they were bloody ‘ansum!

My best friend is coming to stay with us and wants to visit the cafe tomorrow…..oh go on then, if I must 😉 Xx

First granny square

First lesson in crochet from a lovely lady at Cardinham Woods Cafe Craft Evening last night. Happy!

First session complete

Today I attended my first Postnatal Depression group therapy session but I had to force myself to go. I did not sleep at all well and not just because Sebby had wedged himself in my arm pit again. I was kept awake thinking I’d be the only one to turn up and perhaps really, maybe I was better…..I just hadn’t realised it?! Nope? I didn’t think so!
I sat outside the venue for 10 minutes, sweating. Thank gosh I packed my ribena or else I would have been seriously dehydrated! I gave myself a quick pep talk telling myself that if I really don’t like it I don’t have to come back next week. Out the car, locked the door…..lost my keys, found my keys….floated through the doors and quickly realised I needn’t have worried. The women who ran the venue were lovely, totally understanding and it all felt very calm. No screaming babies, no patronising posters just smiling faces and a welcoming silent reception room.

I’ve decided not to blog what we talk about in the room as we made a contract between us so what is said in the room stays in the room. Instead I’ll hopefully be able to explain how it’s helping my recovery.

It has made such a difference already just being able to speak to other sufferers of PND, the feeling of isolation has significantly been lifted. I entered with the all too familiar dead weight feeling bearing down on my chest BUT I left with a smile….although I did cry on the way home. But through happiness and relief.

I must go to bed now. Night all xx

Baby steps

Last Thursday I went to my first mental health assessment since April, with Outlook South West counselling services. The counsellor was very kind, as you would expect and it felt so good to tell someone how isolated, exhausted and guilty I felt and have them totally understand.

The difficult thing about a mental health illness is that you can’t see the damage. My personal experience has been that people, who have no experience with any form of depression, find it the most difficult to understand and sympathise. Everyone deals with it differently and everyone has they’re own way of helping you. I’m very lucky to have my partner James.
It’s taken some time but I have a fantastic support network close by but I still don’t know anyone that has told me they have suffered with PND. The counsellor recommended I join a group run by Outlook South West, near Newquay. It’s a 5 week course that will give me the chance to chat to and share my experience with other sufferers plus teaching me the necessary skills to manage my feelings better…..I hope so anyway.
Initially I was really excited and pretty chuffed that I’d made this giant step in asking for help but now it’s the night before and I’m panicking. What if I make a fool out of myself? What if no one else turns out? Will it just be another wasted trip? I’m worried about sharing my experiences and worried I’ll cry in front of someone. I’ve made a lot of progress in the last few weeks and I really don’t want to take any steps backwards……argh….poop.

SO. I will report back tomorrow. I best try get some sleep before my nocturnal monkey wakes up. Night, night. X

Our first buggy run

So yesterday I tried out my second hand but new to me, running buggy. I’m not quite sure if it’s meant for the purpose of running but it did the job (a jog!) very well and Sebby love, love, loved it! I met my friend in the morning and we jogged from Respryn, near Lanhydrock, along to Bodmin Parkway railway station. It took about 25 minutes and measured 1.6 miles on my Nike+ band. It felt very strange running with my arms stationary but it gave my backside a jolly good work out….bonus! Sebby was left ruddy faced and windswept but had a big cheesy grin on his chops.
It’s so brilliant to be able to start running again without having to find someone to have Sebby and even better that he can join in! I have really missed the freedom and sense of achievement running gives me.
Phew….so after all that excitement we all calmed down with a refreshing cup of tea and a slice of gooey cake- cheeky, at the very lovely Lanhydrock cycle hub cafe. We can’t wait for our next run!

Lunch by the river

We were meant to go to the Royal Cornwall show today but we had another night time interruption (Sebby!) so instead we decided to bob down to the town and have lunch by the river. It was a lush day, made even better by a hummus, falafel and salad flatbread from Bellamama Deli. A pasty lunch for James and Sebby shared mine, tasty! Lunch was followed by a cheeky treat of a dime bar brownie……oh my! There were only a few local produce stalls on the Parade today due to RCS but the delicious brownie made up for that. Yum, yum pigs bum! Sebby dipped his tootsies in the freezing cold river, then we headed off for a long walk through the woods and the sun stayed out for our entire journey. Woo hoo:)

Our morning stroll

In between the shower bursts me and sebby braved our morning stroll. So brave I didn’t even take an umbrella…ooh cheeky! Sebby was very happy in his ergobaby sling and by the time we had reached the river he was sound asleep. I love living in Lostwithiel. I think Lostwithiel is at its best in the early morning and down by the river, heading towards the nature reserve, is so peaceful and beautiful it makes me feel very humble but also very lucky.
We stopped along the way to say “good morning” to the duck family and the swan couple- “no pitta bread for you today guys because Sebby ate it all, sorry!” Under the bridge and along the little lane to see the chickens- our favourite short walk at the mo. Sebby finds them chooks hilarious, his favourite is the big white cockerel, we have named him Sir Blanc.

I love the little Cornish lanes and all that grows in them…..yep even the dandelions! Here are some snaps from the hedgerows this morning, enjoy!

Into the blue

I had no idea I had post natal depression, I’d just had a gorgeous baby and moved into our first proper home. I was over the moon, totally in love with my baby and feeling the bond between us growing stronger with each day…..wasn’t I? Er, nope. What was wrong with me?

Little Sebby arrived a week late and after a pretty difficult but relatively quick labour, he quite literally shot out. It was all a bit of a shocker! Every baby book I had read and all that I had tried to remember from the antenatal classes went floating quietly out of the open windows of the delivery room, along with Sebbys screaming. I naively left for home the next day.

I desperately wanted to breast feed but failed miserably and after the 5th day of blistered bleeding nipples, mild hysteria and a starving baby we left the maternity ward armed with some SMA formula and gave my breast pump (instrument of torture) away. James brought me a Tommy Tippee Perfect Prep machine and I instantly fell in love with it!
Sebby hated sleeping, especially on his own so co-sleeping was the best option but left us all knackered. He also suffered from reflux poor little bear, it’s amazing how far that sick can fly! I was exhausted. Plodding about 4 stone heavier with cabbage leaves stuffed down my bra (to prevent mastitis apparently) recovering from an almost 3rd degree tear and wondering what the heck had just happened!

It was week 5 when I had my almighty melt down. I calmly got into my car with Sebby safe in the back and headed for my mums in Okehampton, Devon. I was appalled when my sister suggested that perhaps I was suffering with PND, surely it was just sleep deprivation making me so emotional? I remember looking at Sebby and feeling nothing except panic and guilt. I wanted to get in my car and drive away from it all, in truth I did try this and my car keys were swiftly taken away from me, whoops! I sat and wailed uncontrollably day after day while my wonderful family took care of MY baby. Believing and affirming that I was indeed, the worst mum in the world. Feelings of self harm were creeping in and I couldn’t be bothered to eat or wash and when was the last time I had been outside?!
I was encouraged to ring the doctors in Okehampton and that was such a hard thing to do. Surely they would just tell me to get a grip and try and get some sleep, I would just be wasting their time. Nope. I was seen the same day and was diagnosed with severe Post Natal Depression. Bugger.

Christmas was a blur, my 30th birthday was a blur, although I think we made it to the garden centre for a coffee ha, ha! My tablets have been changed 3 times and it has taken 7 months to find the right dose. But I’m sitting here now in my lounge along side my truly amazing fiancé, telling you my story…..I would not have been able to do that a couple of weeks ago. Tomorrow I am attending my first counselling session with someone who has been through PND and has come out of it successfully. Exciting.

My beautiful friend told me “You won’t feel like this forever” and I’m starting to believe her now 🙂